Yes I'm still alive

Haven't posted a blog for awhile. Plenty of reasons why.

After 2 months of total staying in, I've made 2 trips out this week.

I'll update soon x

Are you all alive ?

I know I haven't written any blogs for awhile, but why haven't you ?

Oh I think i'm oinking.

I Am Not A Robot

I have just discovered a great singer and a great song.

The song is called 'I am not a robot' and it's by Marina & The Diamonds.

I think it's brilliant and the video is great too.

Check it out:

It's Happening !

It's hard work, but the daily schedule along with guidance from the book is changing my world ! 2 days in and I'm sleeping like a baby and waking up with a smile on my face ! :D

P.s My blog has gone from darkness to light !

The First Day

I had the best conversation on the phone today :)

9 Months of misery all made sense in the space of 50 mins.

So far today I have spent less than 1 hour on my pc which must be a record !

I am very confident this will work as I 100% believe in it.

I can already feel it working !

Morning !

SHAZAM ! ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE !

Vote Cast

At 8:55pm I got into my car, drove to the polling station for the second time.
I parked up down the road and assessed the situation. I was nervous as hell. Nothing to do with my inner ear. It was pure anxiety.

I got out the car. looked around. My car was here. It's not going anywhere. I walked slowly up the road as i wrapped my scarf around my mouth. This felt comforting. Gave me a security blanket for the mind.

I stood outside the polling station. There was a few cars parked up. A few more than I had expected to be honest ! last year it was dead when I went. Oh dear. I looked around. Instead of marching in high on anxiety, I did something that i had read on Kate's blog. I assessed my situation. I took slow and calming breaths. I pretended I was waiting for someone. Haha.

15 mins later I was finally ready to walk in. I took a deep breath and stepped into the hall. There, behind a long table, sat an old lady, an old man and a very sexy young lady. This was instantly pleasing. She looked at me, I looked at her. Even though I was fucking anxious, I nearly made a comment...

"Can I vote for you?"

But no. That could be her mum and dad sat there.

Instead I gave her a smile as i handed in my card.
The old man passed me the voting form and i parked myself in a booth where I voted for *** *****. I popped my vote into the box and said goodbye, with a massive smile on my face.

I made myself count with a vote. I overcame anxiety. Pure win :)

Casting my vote

I really want to stand up and be counted today.
I managed to drive to just outside the polling station but I couldn't get out of the car.

I dont know why I've gone back so many steps.

I'm not going to give up. I have until 10pm.

I can do this.

Erm

why are you reading this ? Go play in the sunshine !

Wow.

They took the piss out of you for so long and you defended yourself every time.
Then by chance, i come across your blog page and discover all your youtube videos and blog entry's.

I don't even know if you're on that god awful excuse for a clubbing website anymore...

Me and you have fallen out quite afew times but to know your going through what im going through makes me want to get in contact with you again.

DSI doesn't even know about me yet. Hopefully they never will.

Relapse is finished !

I do not write blogs to impress you, to entertain you or to teach you.
I write these as my own personal diary so i can note the good from the bad days.

Today i feel amazing.

x

Anxiety is kicking my arse tonight

Wow what a shit week.

Every day has been a real struggle with my anxiety being switched on and off through out the day.

This week has seen my dizzyness increase ten fold. I'm fairly certain it's supposed to be backing off as i recover slowly. It's hardly inspiring.

Today as i move around the house, i feel like i should be lying down.
The worst thing is trying to work out what is dizzyness and what is panic.

I know i will calm down eventually but for now im riding the anxiety train.

Sometimes i wish i just suffered from agoraphobia!

Medication

I think i might of been abit of a dick when it comes to my medication.
So long have I said to myself that it's not the answer, and then after a really horrible dizzy day yesterday, I take a pill thats mean to be taken in that situation and i feel much better this morning.

Lets see how it goes.

HOLY SHIT

I GOT PAINS EVERWHERE!

IN MY STOMACH

IN MY ARMS

MY WHOLE BADY IS HURTING AND UUUUUUUUUUUGH

HEEEEEEEEEEELP

How do I feel ? I couldn't tell you

Talk about an up down, left right, in out week !

From recovering from the previous weeks relapse to having the biggest panic attack I've ever had. It's been a tough week.

I'm not going to go majorly into the panic attack situation because otherwise i fear i will cement the memory further into my subconscious and I don't want that.

I dont believe i had the power to stop it which worry's the hell out of me. I believe it was partly caused from being somewhere new while by myself, and partly caused by my balance problems as i was dizzy before i panicked.

It took me awhile to get home and I nearly rang some random persons doorbell because i felt like something awful was about to happen to me.

It's stopped me from going out and I'm still shattered from it even though it happened 2 days ago.

I'm finding it hard to breathe of late.

It's been a abit of a shit week.

I am back on track !

The last 2 days I have been to Sainsburys, driven to 2 different shops, taken a long walk through the woods, and not spent much time at all on my pc. Bonus !

The World Is Beautiful (Dont be afraid)

After my recent relapse, I got back on the right track this morning by going to the supermarket and then later, I went for a walk into a new part of St Helens Woods.
My message in this video is their is a beautiful world out there waiting for you. It seems scary at first but with each time you do it, it will get easier.

BLOATED

My Gosh.
I'm a 24 year old, fairly decent looking bloke and yet I look 9 months pregnant.

I know there is always something that can be done to make life more comftable and one of the most obvious ones is sitting right below my eyes.

I have IBS. It's something i dont shout about.

Mainly because I dont have that type of IBS that everyone presumes you have. I dont need to shit all the time basically.

What I have is a very annoying tummy that doesn't like what i put in it most of the time. I'm pretty much always bloated and it's gotten worse since I became ill with whatever i have (i dont care anymore lol)

In theory i'm not supposed to eat or drink dairy, eat fatty foods, coca cola, tea, coffee, ...........basically everything i like !

But it's getting to the point where i realise i'm gonna have to give it a go because trying to beat agoraphobia with a huge bloated belly is not fun. I get out of breath real easy.

It's time to take my body seriously.

The Ultramind Solution !

Why didn't I come across this before !
I'm cured !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IQ8FbzhEmE

Give me a fucking break.

Achievment Gained !

Tonight I drove further than i did last time I went out in the car !
Even though my ears were inflamed and i had the dizzys, I was calm while at the wheel.

A very loud panic attack

It started with the ringing, and then the ringing got louder. It got so loud i cupped my ears.
I had to turn on the telly just to drwon the white noise. It wouldn't stop.
The panic began to build. I tried to embrace it and encourage it to get worse but the ringing really was affecting my concentration. I feel victim to the panc attack and it grew bigger and bigger until my heart was racing and my chest was tight.

What did I do ?

I went straight onto No More Panic. The one place I wanted to avoid for now.

I've asked Charles Linden a question. No answer as of yet.

(The question was, how do you beat agoraphobia when your ear is causing alot of the panic)

I feel the normal confusion today. I am lost. My blog is not beautiful. I still feel i'm heading towards prozac.

Driving my panic away

I just got in the car and drove out onto the main road and around afew blocks.
I started to have a panic attack as soon as i got onto said main road.
I turned the music up and sung really loud.
My panic increased and I couldn't breathe too good.
I took a deep breath and held it in as i remained at the same speed. No increase or decrease.
Everything went light and fluffy for afew seconds before reality came back into play and i managed to get home ok.

I feel sorry for everyone who is scared tonight.

Stop googling symptoms. You're making yourself ill.

:(

Someone has stopped following me

Have I upset someone ?

Walk With Me - Part 1

I need to explain myself

My attitude has changed in the past week.....

For some reason, I no longer want to hear praise, or encouragment and in one way I feel bad about it (and what I've said about NMP) but it's a change in the way I think.

Wether it's part of recovery I just dont know. I mean in theory, I shouldn't even mention it if I was going to stop visiting NMP. Perhaps It's just a blip ?
I've got to know afew really nice and caring people on that forum and i'll always be grateful.

Ok so finding NMP was a god send.

Finding people in the same boat as you, getting support when you are anxious, hanging out in the chatroom late at night. Getting reassurance when you are worried.
All of these things helped me so much and put me on the road to recovery when I was ready for it. It's a great place to go when you know nothing.

But when you realise that the only way to stop anxiety and panic is to accept it and allow it to do its worse during times of hightend tension, you also kind of realise that you dont want to be dwelling in a forum being told you cant discuss this or that because it will upset 'certain members'.

I'm on 24 and my writing is not great. But I have to be honest. These are my thoughts and feelings.

I'm almost angry and very tetchy. Going out daily is zapping my energy but i'm doing it now and i'm not looking back.

One more thing. You dont 'fight panic' when you leave the house.

You allow panic.

I dont believe you will beat it any time soon if your fighting it everyday.

Very Strange

Yesterday I managed to get to town and I stayed there for about an hour and a half. Then in the evening I sat through Star Trek which was about 2 hours. On the way out of the cinema I had a 'walking' panic attack on the way to the car. Instead of stopping I carried on walking despite the fact that i was hyperventilating and everything !

What i find happening now is my interest to blog about every detail is fading.

I just cant be fucked to put it plainly!

All i want to do is to go out now and keep working on rewiring my brain until it remembers how i was before all of this started.

The same applys to no more panic. Once my number one website for telling the world my achievments, now somewhere i feel is full of negativity.

I know that's not true but that's what my head is telling me.

It seems that i recover, I am naturally staying away from the things and places that remind me of the past.

How do you get better ? you stop dwelling on your past.

I'm not saying im ungrateful for everything on NMP.
It's just for now...... I need to live in the real world and not in that enviroment.

I bet i look like an arsehole now.

Today was a big day !

I'm way too tired to explain but I basically did this:



And this:




On the same day !

I promise to tell all tomorrow morning.

Now where's my bed....

The Weekend =

Oh Dear

Turns out NoMorePanic Admin do not like Charles Linden or his methods.

Must ask the lady on my blog who has met him, what she thought....

BREAKING NEWS

I purchased the Charles Linden MP3 Pack last night for beating Agoraphobia. It cost me 18 quid and I was sent it by email along with a video to watch.

I've barely touched it but I just had to come on my blog and tell who over reads it that almost straight away I agreed what thia man is telling us.

Even BEFORE I knew of Mr Linden, I was telling people on NoMorePanic that our minds are like hard drives and we need to rewire them, reprogram them.

I also talked about how the main way to beat a panic attack was to face them head on and ride them into hell and back. It's how i beat them when I was 18.
The only difference now is i have an actual illness which makes it twice as hard.

I'm not going to pay the 100 pound asking price for his pack. I can get that for free.
But seriously I gotta tell you........ I feel this is the way out. He has found the right method and i'm excited to see where it leads me in the coming weeks.

If it can cure me, I tell you now. I will happily pay the linden company the full price of the pack.

Keep positive :)

Calling Charles Linden !

For some time I have been aware of a certain Charles Linden and his magic powers.
Some people talk highly of him and his methods, others not so much.
To be honest I didn't really take much notice. The only thoughts I had about the man is that it he seemed like some kind of cult lol.

Silly I know but when I see people writing about the linden method online, I think of Scientology.

The reason i am bringing this up tonight is because i'm becoming tempted.
I've had a quick look at the website. I've seen the price. I'm prepared to pay it.

Is it because of the high rate of success ? Or is it because i've given up hope on my local NHS support.

Who knows.

Charles Linden you scary cult man you ! Write me a comment and I'll think about giving you my moolah.

G'night world x

(p.s I have cheered up abit)

Here we go again :(

I'm having a relapse of the big kind and I'm finding it hard to find inspiration.
I dont know why, I don't know how I get out of it. I'm stuck and it's making me so fucking angry. This is the relapse of the worst kind. It contains all the elements to make me feel like I'm back in the dark hole again.

I'm dizzy. My ears are ringing louder than ever. I'm bloated to the max. I feel sick. I'm tired. I'm anxious. My eyes hurt. My eyes are bloodshot. I don't want to do anything.

It seems that every time I manage to achieve something big, my body reboots so i have to start again and find inspiration to be strong until the horrible symptoms pass.

Well the worst thing this time is I can't seem to find any inspiration. I really do feel that low. I'm even tempted to try the anti depressants again, symptoms or no symptoms.

It's time to ride it out for the fourth time. These really are testing times.

I'd rather go out and have a panic attack than feel like this :(

Red Eye

I've had red eye every single day of my illness. It's a pain in the ass.
Tends to get alot worse when I spend too long on the computer and
gets crazy if I play my Xbox 360 for too long.

My Xbox 360 recently broke and had to be sent away for repairs.
It took a total of 2 weeks.

During that time I used my new found boredom to try and get out
more and spend more time with the family. It worked out really well !

That is, until my xbox came back recently. Now I find myself spending stupid
hours on it while my eyes go red and sore and I feel bloody awful come bed time.

Well, I certainly know what I gotta do now. Not gonna like it. But gotta do it.

In other news, I panicked in the shop last night. I held my nerve as I paid for my
goods but I tell you... I was one second away from dropping the food on the side
and getting the hell out of there. Closest call yet.

Two steps forward.....

Oh Dear. I think my body wants a word with me.
Ever since I've come back from Town I've felt so
tired that it's made my anxiety grow as I haven't
been able to keep myself as calm as i normally do.

I know it wont last forever but it's certainly tough.
I didn't get to sleep until 3am last night and the
anxiety was terrible.

I've realised there is alot more I can do in order to
make my life more comftable as I continue the ride
to freedom.The first being I really need to spend less
time on my computer. I have a funny feeling I spend
over 8 hours a day on my pc without regular breaks and
that must be causing alot of problems for my eyes
and general energy.

There's me wondering why I have bloodshoot eyes all
the time !

The other thing I probally need to do is stop drinking Coca Cola
and cups of tea during the day as I seem to be alot more sensitive
to caffine than I used to be.

One of them messes my eye up and other makes me more anxious.

I'll make that my goal for next week.
For now I have to ride out
these feelings of crapness !

I'm So Excited !

Oh My god ! Oh my god ! Today is a GOOD day ! Haha :)

Today i purchased something that I have wanted for over
a year now. A HD Camcorder !

I've had a love for filming ever since I was a young teenager.
I studied A-Level Film & Editing at college but due to
situations out of my control, I never finished the course.

Over the years I've owned numerous camcorders but
they've been nothing more expensive than 500 quid.

Today I've ordered a 900 quid HD Camcorder which is
set to blow my mind (and yours!)

Finally I will be able to put my imagination to film quality
I need to portray it in the way I want.

I believe this will push me further out into the world and
really help with the next stage of beating agoraphobia.

Leaving the house will never look so good !

It wont be arriving for another week so now I wait patiently...

I .... Cannot....Wait !

Momentum

My video of going into Town is now up on the blog (right hand side)
I'm still very tired from the experience but remain positive.
If you ever feel low, I suggest you watch the following video. I love it !

TOWN CENTRE

It's 12:30am and about 2 hours ago I walked into Town for the first time in 8 months.
I'd been building up to it for 3 days and I finally found the right window in which to head out.



I will write up what happened in the morning. For now I am mentally shattered.

It still hasn't sunk in yet.

I cant believe I found the courage to goto my
most feared location.....

I did it.

Dave 1 - Agoraphobia 0

The Rain

A Miracle happened this morning as I woke up feeling good.
Normally I wake up feeling like I haven't even been to bed yet with symptoms like feeling groggy, ringing in my right ear.... just generally feeling rubbish.
But today I felt ok. I had spent the previous evening drinking wine and ended up quite intoxicated which was kinda fun seeing as I had been so strict about alcohol consumption.
See you cant control panic if your drunk right ? Well turns out I was wrong on that one, I didn't panic at all !

So I got up and went about my day until 1pm when I decided it was time to go on my daily walk to the shops.

It's probably the best thing I've decided to do since starting my recovery from Agoraphobia.
Every day I head up through the woods towards the BP garage on the Ridge to buy a pasta lunch and a newspaper. I find having a reward for going out is a clever thing to do and gives me a purpose to go out instead of the old 'how many lamposts can i pass' thing i tried to do awhile back!

The first time was horrid. I went up with a friend and i kept stopping and turning round, and then turning back again and carrying on. It wasn't a fun trip I can tell you!

After I did it for the first time (you can see the video on my youtube channel) It got slowly easier each time.

There was more panic on the way to the shops than on the way back so I started to rate it in my mind. The first time was a 10 on the way there (10 being the worst) and a 7 on the way back. I was relieved. I had done it. I was on my way home.

So back to today I set out with a slight hangover.


I stepped outside and discovered it was pissing it down with rain....

Uh oh I thought. I haven't done this in the rain yet. Why cant it be sunny and dry like im used to ?

But I realised that I need to go out in all conditions in order to beat the phobia so I put my hood up and set off.

It was cold, wet, my ears were cold, my vision was blurry and my anxiety was hitting 8 on the way up.

Through talking to my friend (you either talk alot when your agoraphobic or you say nothing at all!) I managed to get onto the main road and cross over to the shop and job done. I picked up a yummy lunch and grabbed the last newspaper.

The walk back home was as magic as always. The rain didn't bother me, neither did the slippery mud or the wetness of my clothes. Panic Rating of 3 !

I'm back home now and I feel so good for going out mentally.

For the first time in months, I can see the end to my phobia.
2 Months ago I was in my dark hole wondering how many more years I was going to be indoors for.

Seeya again tomorrow World.

Just Abit Drunk !

OOooooh errrr !
I was going to write a serious introduction and tell you all about how i became ill, when i become ill and what silly conditions I have but instead i have drunk 4 glasses of rose wine and i'm proper trollyed.
See I dont drink anymore as I'm pretty sure it encourages panic and if panic does come on then I'll be too drunk to control it (if that makes sense).
I have therefor turned myself into a larry lightweight and this wine is shooting straight to the brain.

The good news is i am not panicking.
Tomorrow morning ? that's a whole different ball game.

Much love to my first follower Irish Princess x

My First Blog

Must upload photos from mobile onto pc.
Must clean my room.
Shall I watch a film ?
I'm doing ok right ? I'm going to town ! Yes. Today is the day.
No. Wait.
I've only got afew quid in my pocket. What if it's really busy ?
I'll go tomorrow.
What day is it tomorrow ? Am I still alright ?!
I feel really hyper. I have 50 idea's in my head for blog posts. Shall I continue to build my website ?
What time is it ?
Who am I ?

......I'm a recovering agoraphobic and my black and white world is starting to show colour.
The thoughts in my head are coming thick and fast.

I have no sense of time, date, and my only purpose for the last 8 months has been to survive mentally.

I've been to a dark place.

So much so that now i'm coming out of it.........everything is a little unreal.

Returning to society is going to be a real journey.

Enough to warrent a website, youtube channel and blog !

Fuck you Agoraphobia. I want out.