The Rain

A Miracle happened this morning as I woke up feeling good.
Normally I wake up feeling like I haven't even been to bed yet with symptoms like feeling groggy, ringing in my right ear.... just generally feeling rubbish.
But today I felt ok. I had spent the previous evening drinking wine and ended up quite intoxicated which was kinda fun seeing as I had been so strict about alcohol consumption.
See you cant control panic if your drunk right ? Well turns out I was wrong on that one, I didn't panic at all !

So I got up and went about my day until 1pm when I decided it was time to go on my daily walk to the shops.

It's probably the best thing I've decided to do since starting my recovery from Agoraphobia.
Every day I head up through the woods towards the BP garage on the Ridge to buy a pasta lunch and a newspaper. I find having a reward for going out is a clever thing to do and gives me a purpose to go out instead of the old 'how many lamposts can i pass' thing i tried to do awhile back!

The first time was horrid. I went up with a friend and i kept stopping and turning round, and then turning back again and carrying on. It wasn't a fun trip I can tell you!

After I did it for the first time (you can see the video on my youtube channel) It got slowly easier each time.

There was more panic on the way to the shops than on the way back so I started to rate it in my mind. The first time was a 10 on the way there (10 being the worst) and a 7 on the way back. I was relieved. I had done it. I was on my way home.

So back to today I set out with a slight hangover.


I stepped outside and discovered it was pissing it down with rain....

Uh oh I thought. I haven't done this in the rain yet. Why cant it be sunny and dry like im used to ?

But I realised that I need to go out in all conditions in order to beat the phobia so I put my hood up and set off.

It was cold, wet, my ears were cold, my vision was blurry and my anxiety was hitting 8 on the way up.

Through talking to my friend (you either talk alot when your agoraphobic or you say nothing at all!) I managed to get onto the main road and cross over to the shop and job done. I picked up a yummy lunch and grabbed the last newspaper.

The walk back home was as magic as always. The rain didn't bother me, neither did the slippery mud or the wetness of my clothes. Panic Rating of 3 !

I'm back home now and I feel so good for going out mentally.

For the first time in months, I can see the end to my phobia.
2 Months ago I was in my dark hole wondering how many more years I was going to be indoors for.

Seeya again tomorrow World.